About a month ago, I lost my journal. My tangible hard cover paper notebook journal. It was a deep fear coming true, a book full of nonsense brain dump released into the world for whoever was unlucky enough to find it. The mortifying embarrassment of my anxieties and fears unleashed in half legible handwriting, the frenetic scribbles of how lost I feel in life, how frustrated I was with people, albiet with no names attached to any of it (I think) was an overwhelmingly panic inducing experience. There's something about being seen that feels so unsettling.

I swore I was never going to journal again, at least not on paper. But there was something therapeutic about the inability to control who would be setting eyes on my thoughts. It's not THAT bad, it's just stupidly human. I remember finding something similar at the public library not too long ago. Someone had poured their sadness onto the blue lined pages of a small notebook, and left it laying open on a book shelf. Lamentations were splayed out for anyone to see. I read it, thinking how silly this person was, to be so self punishing, and then I walked away.

Ultimately, the conclusion is that nobody gives a shit anyway. The most liberating thing one can do for themselves is to stop giving a shit as well.

So here we are now, I decided to hermit for a bit and build a website, and ironically, air my thoughts out rather publicly -- like a journal but even more revealing. It's been in the back of my head for a while but I never got around to it. There was always more stuff to occupy myself with, and things kept coming up. Also, the part of me that didn't want to touch CSS with a very long pole was telling me to just go do 50 other things instead. But as work winded down and the time shifted back an hour, I found myself in days that are simply too short, too wet, and too dark to go for the hours long walks that I loved.

And so the CSSing began. It's been weeks as I labored and got mad at my brain's inability to understand syntax, and I have finally put together this thing that somewhat resembles a personal website. It's reminiscent of the early days when I'd make simple HTML sites for fun. The most notable site being a shrine dedicated to my high school friend's cockatiel in all its sparkly background clashing with neon green marquee glory. The old days of haphazard site making preceded social media, an abomination that I have resented for some time now.

I don't know how to not sound like a curmudgeon, yapping about how kids these days and their Instagrams have ruined this and that. But honestly, how long has it been since I scrolled through that app and was able to see posts that are not sponsored nor ads being spoon fed to my face? Algorithmically, it has been decided that based on my age and gender, I would want to see wedding and baby posts, both of which interest me just about as much as being lectured on the history of dirt. Gradually, I stopped seeing what my friends are up to, and more of what the algo deems important. If there's one thing I hate, it's being told what to do, and that includes what I was supposed to like an interact with.

All the while seeing people I know fall into the trap of throwing up a front to depict the most perfectly fake versions of life was really the last nail in the coffin. I don't want to see positive vibes only when there are so many more gradations in life. Turning positivity into a performative sport felt icky. It's boring, cringe, and so painfully millennial.

I think we're in the decline of influenserfdom. Thank goodness, because it's been dreadfully inane. I'm not the only one hungry for some kind of self-made online space that's not goverend by how much engagement and sales it's able to funnel. We've lost our digital third space for convenient clout, and hobbies all became side hustles. If it's not generating revenue of some kind, either in social or monetary currency, then what's the point?

It all seems kind of bleak, as it took me THIS LONG to figure out that I wanted a blog not to serve ads and affiliate links, but just to vent in a coherent and aesthetically pleasing way. Unlike my hard cover paper notebook journal, this is an open invitation to hang my ideas out there just because I can.

This entire site is a labor of problem solving and fun torturous fun. I made this for myself, but also for others to know that they can skip over the numerous how to blog (but actually for the purpose of selling courses or something similar) tutorials and just be inspired to do whatever it is their hearts desire. And it can be a lovely mess.